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The "DALLAS" Death Match
Battle Royale
Match 1: Ellie vs. April
Venue: A hotel in Paris, France.
This match takes place while Ellie is on one of her usual vacations. April is unwilling
to fight her mother-in-law, and at first Ellie is reluctant too. But Ellie gathers her
strength and remembers what a strong woman she was when Jock was alive, and she determines
to win the tournament in order to make up for all the times she desecrated his memory.
The two circle the room for a while until suddenly Ray Krebbs shows up from Switzerland,
angry that he never got to have sex with either of them, unlike all the other mainline
female characters on the show. Ellie tells him to get the shotgun out of the hall closet
of her hotel room, and he does. April offers to shag him so that his reputation of
studliness lives on. She turns on a radio and gets Ray into the mood with her ever-present
saxophone music. Ellie reminds him of how proud Jock was of him, so Ray decides to shoot
April despite his raging libido. End of match.
Winner: Ellie
Match 2: Rebecca Wentworth vs. Mandy Winger
Venue: An abandoned factory halfway between Dallas and Houston.
Rebecca has lots of interesting choices of weapons to use because of the Wentworth
Industries think-tank, but thanks to Mandy's aerobics regimen, she's quite agile. Her most
successful tactic is to hide a lot and try and tire Rebecca out by looking for her. After
a while, all hope seems lost and all of Mandy's hiding places are decimated by the awesome
array of Wentworth weaponry.
Suddenly, Mandy clicks her heels three times, which is the signal that summons her agent
Buffy. Buffy moonlights as a vampire slayer, and she drives a stake right through
Rebecca's heart. Turns out Becky was a vampire all along.
Winner: Mandy
Match 3: Jamie vs. Lucy
Venue: The rarely seen "other wing" of Southfork.
The fight is a continuation of the argument over the bathroom in Lucy's wing of
Southfork when Jamie stayed there in 1984. Jamie got fed up that Lucy was always leaving
the toothpaste cap off and being a slob in general. Lucy isn't really up to the fight
because she's still sore from her brawls with Betty over Eddie Cronin, plus Jamie has a
huge height advantage, so Jamie just holds her at arm's length while Lucy vainly tries to
punch her. Because of her poor stamina [not to mention top-heaviness] Lucy collapses of
exhaustion later.
Winner: Jamie
Match 4: Marilee Stone vs. Charlie Wade
Venue: The stables near Ray Krebbs' old ranch.
After an initial scuffle, Charlie gets Marilee on the ground, but she keeps managing to
get back up because she does her best work flat on her back. The wily veteran Marilee
bides her time and starts to get the upper hand after Charlie tires, but thanks to her
romps with Randy, Charlie is very familiar with the territory and is always able to
adeptly roll through the hay whenever Marilee gets on top of her. Frustrated Marilee pulls
out a knife and grabs Darius, threatening to kill the horse.
In order to protect the horse, Charlie lunges at Marilee and a struggle ensues. Charlie
manages to stand the two of them up and lines Marilee up to receive a mule kick from
Darius. Marilee is able to slither out of the way and Darius inadvertently kicks Charlie,
driving her head first into the stable wall.
Winner: Marilee
Match 5: Marilee Stone vs. Kristin Shepard
Venue: The pre-1987 Ewing Oil office.
Marilee brings along a boy-toy with her, hoping to gain an advantage, but Kristin came
armed and ready with her pistol, so the boy-toy is quickly history. The two women wrestle
for the gun, which falls out of Kristin's hand towards a window. The two women ignore the
gun for a while and a catfight ensues, with lots of hair-pulling. Eventually Marilee hits
Kristin with a back elbow and lunges for the gun. Kristin gets an adrenalin rush, grabs
Marilee by the legs and reverse-catapults her into the window. Marilee goes head-first
right through the window, firing the gun into the air as she hurtles towards the ground to
her death.
Winner: Kristin
Match 6: Sue Ellen vs. Cally
Venue: The Oil Baron's Club
These women have no axe to grind, except that Sue Ellen is determined to survive and ensure that John Ross is kept safe. [The fact that she may get Kristin next round may have something to do with it.] Cally is equally determined to get a shot at Marilee Stone for her homewrecking ways. The fight starts out with the women throwing things at each other but each has such pathetic aim that it serves no purpose. Cally gets a brainwave and starts tossing some liquor bottles Sue Ellen's way, hoping she'll lap them up and get drunk. But her hatred for JR allows Sue Ellen to ignore the booze and concentrate on the fight. Sue Ellen manages to get through the swinging door leading to the Club's kitchen, and tells Cally she wants a truce, exhorting her to join forces to get back at JR. Naive Cally trusts her and approaches the kitchen. When she gets there, Sue Ellen slams the swinging door in Cally's face, knocking her backwards into the bar, and over it. The impact causes all of the glassware to come thundering down on poor Cally, and Sue Ellen is left standing.
Winner: Sue Ellen
Match 9: Katherine vs. Jamie
Venue: Barnes-Wentworth
Jamie arrives dressed in her Miracle Dress [100 dresses in one!] and says she wants a fair fight, with no tricks. Katherine confidently agrees. The two women struggle for a while, and at one point Jamie starts firing some good kicks and punches, managing to get Katherine down and unconscious. Jamie looks around for a weapon to finish her off but suddenly Katherine [who was playing possum] leaps to her feet and smothers Jamie with a Sobakawa pillow.
Winner: Katherine
Match 10: Sly vs. Michelle
Venue: Ewing Oil
This one's a grudge match that's been brewing for a while, especially after Michelle
fired Sly. It's a typical catfight to begin with. Sly pushes Michelle out the window that
was broken when Kristin pushed Marilee out [Match 5] but Michelle manages to hang on to
her and they both fall out. Miraculously, the two women manage to land on Marilee's
carcass and survive the fall, but Sly gets the worst of it.
They struggle back into the building, passing the unmanned security desk towards the
elevator. Michelle manages to get an
elevator open and sets up Sly's head on the edge, so that the doors will smash it when
they close. Too late, she realizes that the doors won't close if there's something in
their path. By this time, Sly's gotten a second wind and the two women continue their
fight up the elevator. By the time they reach the office again, clothes are torn
practically to shreds [though Michelle's hair is still impeccable] and both women are
nearly exhausted. Michelle crawls into her office and grabs a gun. Sly, who has just
gotten to her feet, faints at the sight of it, still freaked out from all the gunplay
surrounding the Calhoun affair. Michelle drags the prone Sly over towards the gaping
window to finish her off. Sly groggily wakes up as Michelle nears the window. Realizing
what's about to happen, she gathers her strength and fires a mighty kick right into
Michelle's stomach, causing her to stumble and fall backwards to the ground below.
Winner: Sly
Match 13: Holly Harwood vs. Mandy Winger
Venue: Holly's boat
Mandy arrives at the boat and hears Holly invite her to come in from behind a door.
Expecting the worst, Mandy opens the door a crack but instead of an ambush finds Holly
alluringly dressed in lingerie, saying, "I've been waiting for you." Holly
invites her to forget the whole death match thing and fulfill her destiny as a lesbian
porn star. After her harrowing experience with Rebecca's arsenal [Match 2], Mandy is
somewhat relieved not to have to duke it out with Holly; she's never really had THOSE kind
of feelings for women but decides she'd better play along in order to figure out Holly's
game.
I'll let your imagination take over for a while...as things start to get somewhat hot and
heavy, Holly slowly and deliberately reaches under her pillow. Fortunately for Mandy, she
spots the movement out of the corner of her eye and as Holly pulls out a gun Mandy digs
her nails into Holly's eyes, which gives her a few seconds to leap out of the way. Holly
takes a couple of blind shots as Mandy manages to get to the door. In her panic, she runs
the wrong way, towards the stern of the boat and away from the mooring, so that Holly lies
between her and escape. She tries to lie low for a while to catch her breath but soon
Holly's sight returns, as evidenced by a shot that barely misses Mandy. A race ensues, and
soon Holly has expended her bullets. Mandy is relieved for the moment but Holly quickly
manages to get her hands on a heavy steel air tank and slowly stalks Mandy back towards
the narrow stern of the boat. Holly hoists the tank over her head preparing to crush the
young model's skull, but Mandy quickly darts between Holly's legs and as Holly brings down
the tank with all her might, her momentum pulls her over the edge of the guardrail. With a
well placed stiletto heel to the posterior, Mandy causes Holly to fall completely over the
edge. Holly bangs her head on the air tank as she falls to a watery grave.
Winner: Mandy [You go, girl! I'm impressed. Side note: Mandy has won both matches 26-21.]
Match 14: Afton Cooper vs. Angelica Nero
Venue: The Stardrift Lounge
Afton is ready for battle and knows what she's up against, being wary of Angelica's
tricks. She smartly figures that Angelica has a lot of hidden weapons and adeptly refrains
from direct contact with Angelica's hands. Because of her intense concentration, she is
deftly able to avoid hidden knives, razor blades, and even manages to squirm out of the
way of a hatpin aimed directly for her heart, catching it underneath her armpit. Furious
at her continued failure to hurt her opponent, Angelica pushes a small button on the wall,
opening a trap door right underneath Afton, but she manages to hold on to the edge and
climb her way back up to the floor.
At this point, Angelica is thoroughly frustrated, and Afton picks up the microphone and
starts a mocking, taunting rendition of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". During the
final chorus, Afton gets a little bit too excited and decides to hit a really high note,
and suddenly, the microphone explodes! Turns out Angelica had rigged it with an explosive
charge that would only detonate at the frequency of High C. The gum-chewing explosive
briefcase guy walks quietly by the bar.
Winner: Angelica
Match 17: Pam vs. Jenna
Venue: Pam's house on Antioch Drive.
Oh, boy, do these women have issues. But no one's really in a fighting mood since Jenna
just lost a daughter [Match 4] and Pam lost her mother [Match 2], so they decide to sit
down in the livingroom and have some tea. They chat for a while about all sorts of things,
but eventually the conversation turns to how tough it will be for Ray and Bobby in their
upcoming matches against Clayton and Jock, respectively. Both women agree they'd like to
be their to support their men during the difficult matches. Under her breath, Pam mutters
something about Jenna probably not showing up for Bobby's match, just like she didn't show
up for either of their planned weddings. Jenna overhears the comment, and counters that at
least she didn't abandon Bobby and their son after marrying him. So much for not
being in fighting moods.
Pam's mobility is somewhat hampered by the fact that she chose to wear a rather
tight-fitting dress, while Jenna is dressed more sensibly in a blouse and slacks, so she
is able to get the upper hand initially, and starts weakening her opponent with some
well-aimed shots to the face. Figuring that Pam may have some hidden weapons around, Jenna
manages to get the fight out into the driveway, preparing to finally release all of her
pent-up anger. Unbeknownst to both women, a big Buick is parked nearby, waiting for some
activity from the house. As Jenna prepares to continue her assault, the Buick springs to
life, racing towards the women at a fantastic speed. Katherine's car hits Jenna broadside,
and just barely misses the nearby sprawled Pam. Katherine Wentworth walks away, proud of a
job well done.
Winner: Pam
Match 18: Donna vs. Ellie
Venue: Southfork
Donna arrives at the front porch to see Ellie in a rocking chair holding her shotgun, left by Ray after Match 1. Donna tries to reason with her but in her rekindled fervor for life Ellie reminds her how stupidly she was hoodwinked by Donna into taking Jock's portrait out of the Southfork livingroom. Donna runs for her life but Ellie is a crack shot. End of match.
Winner: Ellie
Match 7: Ray vs. Jack
Venue: Wherever Jack happens to be right now.
This one starts off with both men unwilling to fight each other, since Jack is grateful
that Ray polished off April in Match 1. The two men agree to call it a draw and Ray says
he's going to go home to Jenna. Mentioning her name causes Jack to go into a primal rage,
take the sock out of his pants, put it on his hand, and shove it down Ray's gullet, a la
Mick Foley. Ray begins to gag and choke on the grimy sock but is fortunately able to have
the presence of mind to reach out for a heavy stick. He cracks it on Jack's head, causing
him to break the hold. Both men are dazed for a while, and a slugfest ensues when they
both get up. Ray's experience in barroom brawls eventually wears Jack down, and soon the
Big Ramboski is no more.
Winner: Ray
Match 8: Clayton vs. Nicholas Pearce
Venue: Nick's apartment
Clayton immediately goes into Ox mode, able to release all of the pent-up anger he had at Wes Parmalee, and also because Nick reminds him of David Shulton. Nick tries to calm him down and invite him into a business proposition which would be "a match made in heaven". Clayton sees through his ruse and just keeps chasing Nick down. Nick tries to blind Clayton by opening his sweater drawer and throwing one sweater at a time in Clayton's face. It works for a while but after Clayton tears all the sweaters to shreds, Nick runs out of options. Eventually the Ox gores him. End of match.
Winner: Clayton
Match 11: Dusty Farlow vs. Cliff
Venue: The Longhorn bar
The two exchange shoves and taunts for a while. Cliff tells Dusty, "at least I'm not a sexual washout," to which Dusty replies, "yeah, well, at least I'm not firing blanks." Using his strength advantage, Dusty lays Cliff on the practice bull, knowing he'll fall off. Cliff actually manages to hang on for a while, but when he's inevitably thrown by the bull, his flight through the air lands him right on top of Dusty, sending them both into the wall. With the cowboy momentarily dazed, Cliff starts to choke him with his own scarf. Dusty reaches around and tries to flip Cliff over; he manages to get Cliff into the air but Cliff doggedly refuses to release the scarf, tightening the hold and causing Dusty to pass out and die from lack of oxygen.
Winner: Cliff
Match 12: J.R. vs. John Ross
Venue: Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport
> "Son, I have to tell you something. Your mother...."
> "Did she leave us for another man, again?"
> "No. Not this time. See, she's in some trouble. Her crazy sister Kristin is
around again and I'm really worried that she's going to get hurt. Kristin tried to kill me
once, you know."
> "Yeah, I know. So...why don't you go and help Mom?"
> "Oh, I'd like to, son. I really would. But...I've got business to take care of.
You know how it is. And besides, your mother would much rather have you around than me.
What do you say?"
>"Well...all right, Dad."
>"All right. And listen...once all this trouble is taken care of, I think you
should stay in England for a while...you know, to keep your mother company and all that.
Now, I've got your airline tickets right here...there you go. I'll see you in about a
month, son."
> "Okay. Bye, Dad."
[Pause as John Ross leaves]
> "And now, to take care of you, Barnes."
Winner: J.R.
Match 15: Punk Anderson vs. Jeremy Wendell
Venue: The Oil Baron's Club
The place is still a mess from Sue Ellen vs. Cally [Match 6], but the guys manage to stay away from the broken glass. Punk just wails on the pretty boy until Mavis Anderson comes around and tries to stop the fight by claiming she's carrying Jeremy's child. Jeremy then says that that's impossible because he's gay. Despite the protests, Punk continues to deliver open-hand slaps until Jeremy faints and then strangles him with the ever-present bolo tie. End of match.
Winner: Punk
Match 16: James Beaumont vs. Mark Graison
Venue: Graison Research Institute
James prepares to utilize his kickboxing talent but only manages to knock over some expensive lab equipment. Big Mark just towers over him and tosses James head first into a lab bench. Suddenly he feels sorry for the poor boy, and decides to give him a rest. Pulling out his opponent's wallet, he notices a picture of James with his son and Debra Lynn. Since he can't help himself from trying to seduce happily married redheads with young kids, he decides to finish James off for good and head off East in search of the pretty widow.
Winner: Mark
Match 19: Bobby vs. Carter McKay
Venue: Scalini's restaurant
Carter's hungry, so he asks Bobby to have dinner before they tear up the restaurant. Bobby agrees but his guard is alerted in case McKay has something plotted. They start to dig in and Bobby watches for any funny business, but Carter doesn't seem to be paying much attention to anything other than his dinner. Bobby is soon finished and wants to get the match going, but Carter says he's not done eating. After another half-hour of chowdown, Carter stiffens and falls out of his chair. A doctor is called and diagnoses a heart attack, brought on by McKay's horribly high cholesterol count.
Winner: Bobby
Match 20: Jock vs. Harry McSween
Venue: Doesn't matter
- [Harry's in his home reading a newspaper when the phone rings.]
> "Hello?"
> "Hey, Harry, how ya doin'?"
> "Just fine, JR. What can I do for you?"
> "Well, Harry, it's like this. You got this thing with my daddy tomorrow..."
> "Oh, don't worry, JR. I'll go easy on him."
> "No, Harry, that's not what I want."
> "What do you mean, JR?"
> "I mean, I want you to lose."
> "But JR, I don't want to die! I got my wife to think about."
> "Oh, Harry, don't be silly. I don't want you to DIE. Just fake your death or
something. Don't worry. I got you all set up with a fat Swiss bank account and I got you
and your wife new identities. All you have to do is leave the country and don't come back!
What could be simpler?"
> "But JR..."
> "Harry, don't make me remind you you paid for last house in cash."
> "But..."
> "HARRY."
> "All right, JR. But this is the LAST time."
> "Well, of course it is, Harry! You're leaving the country. Now I'm going to drop
off everything you need in the morning. Bye, Harry."
Winner: Jock
Match 21: Kristin vs. Sue Ellen
Venue: The Ewing condo
We're having some fun now, huh, folks? This one starts out predictably with lots of
slaps, shoves, and hair-pulls. While Sue Ellen has the advantage, she rants about her
little sister always trying to take what she had - boyfriends, clothes, toys, mother's
love, husband, whatever. Kristin counters that she always got the hand-me-downs anyway and
had to fight hard to get what little she wanted. Sue Ellen tries to use her height and
reach advantage but Kristin's too agile to stay in her grasp for any extended length of
time.
The fight moves into the kitchen and Kristin slams Sue Ellen's head into the refrigerator
door, knocking her backwards to the ground with a tremendous headache. Panting and out of
breath, Kristin grabs a bottle of wine out of the fridge and puts it on the ground near
her sister, who's holding her head in pain. She taunts Sue Ellen about the weak-willed
person she's always been, and tells her that even though Sue Ellen may have fooled the
world, she can't fool her sister - Kristin knows that any "strength" Sue Ellen
seems to develop is completely an illusion.
As Sue Ellen starts to stir, Kristin opens up the wine bottle for her and pours some into
a glass. "Come on, Sue Ellen," she says. "You know you want it." Sue
Ellen picks up the glass and looks at it for a moment. She glances at her sister with a
somewhat defeated look in her eye and then starts to drink...wait! She tosses the drink in
Kristin's face! Sue Ellen grabs a knife and starts taking wild stabs at her sister, who
backs away into to the livingroom. Eventually the two women start circling the sofa, as
Kristin desperately looks around for something to defend herself with. Sue Ellen takes
another lunge at Kristin but her foot accidentally gets caught in a table and the knife
ends up cutting open the upholstery of the sofa. Along with foam, some powder leaps into
the air, having been freed from a plastic bag. Kristin screams in horror as her stash of
angel dust starts to spill all over the carpet. She lurches at Sue Ellen in a rage, and
their struggle causes a heavy lamp to fall off of the table and land right on Kristin's
back, causing her body to move right into the path of the knife still clutched in Sue
Ellen's hand. End of match.
Winner: Sue Ellen
Match 22: Sly vs. Katherine
Venue: Scalini's restaurant
After the coroner's office removes Carter's body [Match 19], this one gets going. The
guys from the morgue say they'll just wait outside so they don't have to double back for
the loser. Sly is still somewhat traumatized from her fight with Michelle [Match 10],
while Katherine is pumped from polishing off Jenna [Match 17], and she's completely
focused on taking out Pam next, so she can be Bobby's Queen of the Hill.
Sly doesn't even see the onslaught coming at first. With shouts of, "Take that,
Pam!" and "How do you like that, Pam?", Katherine starts to put a hurting
on poor Sly with well-placed fists and knees of fury. Soon, Sly is a limp rag doll in
Katherine's arms. Katherine pulls a snub-nosed revolver out of her dress pocket and clicks
it at Sly's head to make sure that there's a bullet ready. As she gets ready to pull the
trigger, she puts on her best evil smile and says, "Time to die, Pam!"
Just then, an unbelievable roar escapes from Sly's throat: "STOP CALLING ME PAM!"
With a tremendous burst of strength, Sly reaches up to wrap her arms around Katherine's
head and slams her chin to the ground, causing the gun to fall out of Katherine's hand.
Sly picks up the gun and kneels over Katherine's prone body. Ignited by a fury that no one
could have foreseen, Sly deposits a bullet in the back of her opponent's head. As she
feels her life draining away, Katherine manages to whisper,
"It's...not...over...yet!"
The coroner guys rush back in after hearing the shot and are shocked beyond belief that
Sly remains alive. As they take Katherine's body to their van, one of the guys puts his
coat around Sly and asks her how she did it. Sly just responds through gritted teeth:
> "She called me Pam."
> "Yeah, so what?"
> "That no-good, lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch boyfriend of mine...Biff...he
once called me Pam. That's how I knew he was two-timing me. I threw him out of my
apartment and he ran off with her."
> "Wow. That's a tough break."
> "Not as tough as the break I gave his genitalia."
Winner: Sly [in the upset of the tournament so far!]
Match 25: Mandy Winger vs. Angelica Nero
Venue: Valentine's Lingerie
Mandy gets a note from Angelica saying that she'd like to start the fight that evening,
so she spends the afternoon relaxing by doing a photo shoot with an Egyptian motif.
Dressed like Cleopatra in an extremely revealing outfit, she's told to take a rubber asp
to her breast and pretend to die as part of the shoot. Little does Mandy know that
Angelica has replaced the rubber snake with a real one! Mandy spots the reptile moving
just in time to toss it to one side. The photographer rips off a mask and it turns out to
be Ms. Nero, of course. The rest of the crew high-tail it out of there.
Angelica's first tactic is use the camera which she's modified to produce a high-intensity
laser beam. But by this time, hardened deathmatch veteran Mandy is long gone. Wary of
Angelica's tricks, and having scoped out the building earlier, Mandy is ready for battle.
She sneaks along the duct work to a secret stash of weapons hidden in the boiler
room...only to find that Angelica's taken them all away! Realizing that her hiding place
has been found, Mandy dashes back amidst pipes and ducts just as Angelica appears behind
her with the laser gun. Soon Mandy has completely disappeared from sight, and Angelica
decides to even the odds by pointing her laser at the power junction box, shorting out all
the lights.
Mandy lies silently in a small alcove, trying desperately to keep silent and out of harm's
way, not realizing that Angelica has brought along infrared goggles, with which she begins
to scan the building. As she turns a corner towards Mandy's hiding place, our young
heroine has to bite her hand to keep from making any noise. Angelica opens the door and it
looks like the end of Mandy...but Angelica suddenly keels over backwards! In her haste to
catch Mandy, Angelica forgot to kill the poisonous asp, which ends up biting her heel.
Mandy grabs the laser gun with trembling hands and in the motion luckily manages to cut
the snake in half.
Winner: Mandy
Match 27: Pam vs. Ellie
Venue: Southfork Ranch
Pamela's heard about the demise of April and Donna and knows all about Ellie's
ever-present shotgun. She calls Southfork before coming over but is told by Raoul that
Ellie is unwilling to talk to her. Ellie plans on knocking off all of the daughters-in-law
that caused her sons so much grief over the years.
Always the cautious one, Pamela decides on taking Christopher to the ranch with her,
knowing that no matter what happens Ellie would never harm a grandchild. Turns out that
Pamela's right, and she and Christopher receive a warm welcome. Christopher heads inside
for cookies and milk, and Pam hopes to convince Ellie to call off the deathmatch.
No such luck. As soon as Christopher is safely in the kitchen, Ellie's eyes glaze over and
she heads over to get her shotgun. Not taking any risks, Pam heads back to her car and
drives off. Ellie hops into her BMW and gives pursuit...
Winner: Pam [see match 28 for details]
Match 23: JR vs. Cliff
Venue: Long-abandoned Ewing Oil field #23
Since neither of these men is very good with his fists, this one turns into a gun fight amongst all the sheds and drilling equipment. After some shots back and forth, both men take to hiding behind cover. Always ready for psychological warfare, JR begins to heckle and taunt his enemy mercilessly.
[Cliff fires a couple of stray shots.]
>"Give it up, Barnes! You could never beat me. No matter how hard you tried."
[Another couple of shots.]
>"You always had to be content with my sloppy seconds, Barnes. They all came
crying to you after I made women out of them. Julie, Sue Ellen, Marilee, Rose McKay,
April...oh wait, you never slept with her, did you, Barnes? Not even her sister...boy, I'm
glad I'm not as pathetic as you, Barnes. Those Stevens sisters were easier than 1-2-3, and
you never got any!"
[Cliff empties his gun with shots and has to reload.]
> "And then there was Mandy Winger. Boy, was she ever something, huh, Barnes? But
of course, you couldn't satisfy her, and that's why she came to me!"
[More shots.]
> "And then there was Afton...she really cared about you, didn't she, Barnes? She
cared so much that she even slept with that sorry, dirty Gil Thurman for you!"
[Another volley of shots and Cliff has to reload.]
> "Hey, Bobby told me that you found her, didn't you? And she had a child? And you
thought it was yours? [Laughs.] Barnes, you are
dumber than Clayton Farlow if you think that child is yours. Didn't Afton tell you about
our time together?"
> "WHAT?"
> "Oh, you didn't know about that? Yeah, well, it happened when Lucy got married,
back in 1981...say, wasn't that little girl of hers born about nine months later?"
> "YOU BASTARD!"
[Cliff leaps out from behind his hiding position and goes
full-bore at JR. Expecting this from Cliff, JR casually jogs over to another hiding spot.]
> "And let's not even get started about all the times I beat you in business,
Barnes. You and that pathetic company your mama left you...you thought that made you an
oil man? I said it before, and I'll say it again, you couldn't strike oil if you were on
the Exxon Valdez!"
Frustrated, Cliff yells out and fires straight into the ground. Suddenly, the earth
rumbles a little bit, and it gets progressively louder until suddenly oil starts to gush
out of the ground where Cliff fired. Both men stand and watch the black liquid fly through
the air, dumbfounded and amazed.
> "Well, I'll be damned. That moron DID strike oil."
When Cliff realizes what's happened, he gets a goofy grin on his face and starts dancing
for joy, getting his clothes caked in oil and dust. Unfortunately for poor Cliffie, he
loses his balance and falls right into the widening hole from which the oil is spurting,
and in the midst of his triumph, partially suffocates and partially drowns.
Winner: JR
Match 24: Ray vs. Clayton
Venue: The Southern Cross
The two old pals talk about Jack's death [Match 7] and Clayton tries to make the best
of it, saying that at least they can use his money to help Saddletree Enterprises keep
going. At the mention of the money, Ray guiltily looks away. Clayton presses him for
information and Ray eventually admits that he used the money to pay off a business venture
that typically went bad for him. Clayton tells Ray he wouldn't have minded letting him
have the money but wishes Ray had been up-front about it. Ray gets defensive in his macho
way and Clayton warns him to watch his mouth. This angers Ray even more and the fight
begins.
Ray dashes over to the stables, with Clayton in hot pursuit. Ray's flight serves a double
purpose: not only does he want to take advantage of Clayton's weakened condition after his
heart attack, but he's got a secret weapon waiting in the stable: an ox, ready to pounce
after being caged up for a week!
Ray opens the stable door, releasing the ox and expecting it to take out Clayton. But of
course the ox wouldn't do that in the presence of its master, and Clayton is able to order
it to go graze somewhere. Not expecting this, Ray panicks and without realizing it,
releases a latch which allows a whole bunch of barnyard animals to come out of the nearby
barn, and poor Ray is trampled in the stampede.
Winner: Clayton
Match 26: Punk Anderson vs. Mark Graison
Venue: The Graison mansion / Los Gatos, Colombia
Mark heads home after a very busy week, because he DID manage to find Debra Lynn back east, and man, is he tired! He plans to rest up for his confrontation with Punk, but is shocked to discover from one of the mansion's servants that during his absence, since no one knew where he went, it was presumed that he and James killed each other [Match 16], and his estate is being put up on the auction block thanks to some quick work by Punk. Enraged by this, Mark goes on a manhunt for Punk, and is told that he's gone down to Colombia. Mark catches the next plane out and is greeted in Los Gatos by Chief Rueda. Mark suddenly gets a bug-eyed look on his face and collapses in the arms of one of the Chief's men. Matt Cantrell comes out of the local cantina and reveals that he and Punk were in cahoots: Matt paid off one of Mark's servants to tell him about Punk's plan, knowing Mark would eventually rush down to South America. Matt also managed to have Mark's in-flight meal laced with an insidious poison - harmless to most, but deadly to those with blood cancer. Matt gets a handsome reward from Punk, who succeeds in getting the Graison estate for pennies on the dollar. He and Mavis plan to spend the rest of their golden years there - assuming Punk outwits JR next round.
Winner: Punk
Match 28: Bobby vs. Jock
Venue: Section 40 of Southfork
This one isn't about winning a deathmatch. This one is the whole "Real Power is something you take!" thing. Jock's upset that Bobby didn't stick to the oil business, come hell or high water, and basically trod his father's legacy into the mud.
> "I taught you boys to stand up for yourselves, and
for your family, and for Ewing Oil! JR never forgot that. It's a damn shame that you did,
Bobby."
> "I had to get out of the oil business, daddy. You know what it did to this
family."
> "The oil bidness made this family, son. Without it, we're nothing."
> "I got sick and tired of playing the game, daddy."
> "Is that what you think this is, boy? A game? This ain't no game. This is
real life. It's survival of the fittest. Your mama's teaching that to Pamela right
now!"
> "Mama would never hurt Pam. And Pam would never hurt Mama."
Just then, the roar of engines is heard from the nearby road. Bobby is shocked to see Pam's Porsche thundering towards them, followed closely by Ellie's car. Pam is forced to stop and abandon her car because the road comes to a dead end. She races towards Bobby, hoping for protection from her crazed mother-in-law.
> "Mama, what are you doing?"
> "Stay out of this, Bobby. This doesn't concern you."
> "I told you, boy. This is no game."
Pam and Bobby huddle close together as Ellie closes in on them. Pam trips over a rock and suddenly Ellie has a clear shot. Bobby does a great slow-motion "NO!!!!!!!!" as he pushes Pam out of the way...and ends up taking the bullet himself. Horrified at what has transpired, Ellie once again cocks her rifle and sets her sights on Pamela. In a last defiant hope, Pam pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket and tells Ellie that since Bobby was the owner of Southfork, the terms of his will take effect immediately - and one of the terms was that Section 40 be drilled, if necessary, to provide money for Christopher's trust fund. With dead-eyed precision, Ellie blasts a hole right through the piece of paper in Pam's hand and tells her, "This was my daddy's land. I'll be DAMNED if any outsider is going to tell me they're going to drill on our ranch. I was born on this land...and I'm going to die on this land." Distraught again at the sight of her dead son, Ellie turns the gun on herself.
Winner: Jock
Match 29: Sly vs. Mandy
Venue: Ewing Oil
After their tough upset matches in the previous round [Matches 22 and 25], both women
have steeled themselves to be prepared for just about anything.
Figuring that Sly will try to entice her into sex, Mandy decides to take the initiative
and catch her off of her guard. She offers herself almost as soon as she gets out of the
elevator, telling Sly that she promises to make it worth her while. Sly gives her a wry
smile before pushing a button on her intercom, which is a signal for a couple of police
officers waiting in JR's office to come out. Before leaving the country [Match 20], Harry
McSween put two of his friends in touch with Sly in case she needed any help. The two cops
handcuff Mandy and arrest her for prostitution, as Sly waves goodbye.
The cops take Mandy down in the elevator, and faced with few options, Mandy decides to
click her heels three times again to summon Buffy to help her out. Buffy easily overpowers
the two surprised cops, and once the ladies reach the main floor, they toss the
unconscious bodies out of the elevator and prepare to head back up. Little do they know
that in the meantime, Sly has been using a diamond saw to hack away at the elevator cable.
Just as the elevator is about to reach Ewing Oil again, the cable snaps and sends Mandy
and Buffy into free fall below. The impact is unfortunately lethal for poor Mandy. Always
prepared, Sly goes to the gaping hole in the window of Ewing Oil [Match 5] and jumps out,
softly parachuting down to the street below.
Winner: Sly
Match 30: JR vs. Punk Anderson
Venue: The Cotton Bowl
Thanks to his new-found wealth from the Graison estate [Match 26], Punk arrives in
style via helicopter to face an anxious JR, who had to settle with driving himself over.
After having given his strategy a lot of thought, JR decides to execute the best plan he
can think of: he tries to tell Punk that he had an affair with Mavis. Unfortunately, JR is
incapable of saying the words with a straight face and starts laughing uncontrollably.
Punk is confused and asks JR what's so funny, and JR explains what he was going to say,
adding that he couldn't get the words out because there's no way he'd ever be caught dead
in bed with someone as homely as Mavis Anderson.
Punk goes into a frenzy after the insult, delivering several punches to JR's face. Then
suddenly, Punk is airborne as one of the legs of the helicopter's base scoops him up from
behind. Punk struggles to get free, clutching the air, until suddenly the copter dips,
letting Punk fall back to the ground to his death. The chopper lands and JR gives the
pilot, a disguised Matt Cantrell, an envelope full of cash. Turns out JR had Cantrell in
his pocket all along and used him in his mastermind plan to get rid of both Mark Graison
and Punk, paving his way to the finals.
Winner: JR
Match 31: Jock vs. Clayton
Venue: Southfork
After seeing his wife and son done in [Match 28], Jock wrathfully tries to end Pam's
tournament but she manages to get away in Ellie's car. Jock sadly kneels by Ellie's side
and silently cries over what's happened to his family. Clayton shows up a little while
later and tries to calm Jock down, reminding him that Ellie should be buried solemnly
before anything else happens. An argument ensues over who should do it, and both
men grab
a nearby shovel simultaneously. A tug-of-war ensues; out of the corner of his eye Clayton
spots Ellie's shotgun lying next to her and suddenly lets the shovel go, which knocks Jock
backwards momentarily. Clayton manages to grab the shotgun and by sheer chance, his finger
hits the trigger, causing a bullet to wildly fly away. Jock lifts the shovel over his head
and prepares to whack Clayton to kingdom come...but suddenly Clayton points the barrels of
the gun right at Jock's heart.
Jock drops the shovel and takes a couple of steps back with his hands in the air. He seems
pensive for a couple of seconds, and as Clayton gets to his feet, Jock tells him, "Go
ahead and shoot me, Farlow...if you've got the guts. Lord knows you sucked all the
gumption out of Ellie while you were married to her! You turned her into an empty shell of
a woman."
Clayton cocks the rifle and squeezes the trigger...
... but nothing happens! Smart as a whip, Jock did the math and remembered that Ellie's
shotgun only held six bullets...and all six of them have been expended. [Go back and count
them!]
Clayton is stunned by this turn of events, which gives Jock the opportunity to land a
thundering right cross on his chin, knocking him to the ground. Jock takes the opportunity
to head back towards the ranch house. After getting up from his daze, Clayton grabs the
heavy shovel, gets in his car and goes to the house as well. All is silent as he enters,
and Clayton warily searches around the ground floor for his adversary. Not finding Jock,
Clayton quietly heads up the stairs to his room, where he has a pistol hidden. To his
surprise, as he reaches the top of the stairs, Jock emerges from behind the bedroom door,
and slams the head chair from the dining room table over the usurper's head, causing a
lethal fall for Clayton back down to the main hallway. Triumphantly, Jock yells out
"I AM TAKAPA!" before going outside and giving Ellie a dignified burial beside
her father.
Winner: Jock
Match 32: Pam vs. Sue Ellen
Venue: Hong Kong
Pam meets Sue Ellen at the airport and they have a pleasant flight, joking that
eventually they'll have something to fight about. While wandering the streets of Hong
Kong, they reminisce about old times and eventually the talk turns to their sons. Pam
says she's glad she didn't allow Christopher to enter the tournament so he could suffer
the punishment that John Ross did at JR's hands. Sue Ellen, of course, knows that her son
is safe in England [she made sure of that before leaving - see Match 12 for details], and
gets upset that Pam continues to blame JR for everything. Not willing to shut up and
concede the point and deaf to Sue Ellen's protests, Pam reminds her that it seems to be
just like after John Ross was born - Sue Ellen ignored him, and Pam had to look after him.
Needless to say, Sue Ellen decides that enough is enough and decides to lay the smackdown
by pointing out that at least she never abandoned her son out of pride and despair. The
women approach Hong Kong harbor and the fight is on.
Since Pam hasn't had to do much fighting so far, she's relatively fresh and ready to go.
She tosses Sue Ellen into a case of saké lying near a docked boat and the case splits
wide open, spilling goo all over the asphalt. The noise causes a bunch of longshoremen to
come over and have a look at the duelling beauties. Sick of constantly being goaded to
fall off the wagon, Sue Ellen fights back with a vengeance and hoists Pam up over her head
with a gorilla press, preparing to toss her into the filthy water of the harbor.
Just then, a tall masked dock worker joins the fray and takes Pam out of Sue Ellen's
grasp. Still furious, Sue Ellen rips off the mask to reveal the face of Mark Graison! Yes,
of course Mark faked his death in Colombia [Match 26] so that he could return to help Pam
if she needed it. Mark puts Pam out of harm's way and stalks Sue Ellen towards the edge of
the pier, eventually causing her to lose her balance and fall over the edge.
Suddenly, many things happen. Mark is jabbed in the arm with a needle by another masked
longshoreman! His eyes start to bug out and he gets a huge adrenaline rush, causing him to
flail his arms all over the place. Pam rushes over to try and help him but gets an big
elbow in the face for her trouble as she also topples over the pier down into the water. A
few seconds later, Mark keels over, dead for sure this time.
Meanwhile, Sue Ellen, who managed to hang on to the edge of the pier with her fingers,
gathers the strength to pull herself back onto solid ground. Mark's killer unmasks and
turns out to be Jerry Kenderson. He gives Sue Ellen a big hug, pledges his love for her,
and says that he wants to take her away to his quiet hideout in the Himalayas, but to his
disappointment an unnerved Sue Ellen tells him [all together now!] that she's not ready
for a commitment.
Winner: Sue Ellen
Match 33: JR vs. Jock
Venue: Nacogdoches County
At the site of Ewing Oil's discovery well, Jock and JR talk about the legacy that started at that historic place. The discussion turns to the importance of family as Jock stresses how hard he worked to provide a legacy for his sons to pass on. JR agrees wholeheartedly and tells his father that the same philosophy fashioned his life. Jock gets serious and asks JR where John Ross is. JR assures him his son is just fine and things will soon be all 'taken care of'. Jock needles JR for more information about his whereabouts but JR is unwilling to admit that he shirked his responsibility in Match 12 and took the easy way out. Jock badgers him about it so much that JR is finally forced to admit that John Ross is in England at Sue Ellen's place. Jock insists that the boy should be at Southfork with his real family because he's the Ewing heir, and JR does his usual schtick, saying "Oh, he'll be here soon enough, daddy." Jock is adamant that JR send for John Ross as soon as they head back to the ranch. Before they leave, JR calls Sly to tell her that she has to execute their plan more quickly than expected and says in no uncertain terms to do whatever it takes to get his son back safe and sound.
Winner: Keep reading.
Match 34: Sly vs. Sue Ellen
Venue: Reunion Arena
Sue Ellen arrives at the arena and is surprised to find Dr. Elby there. They talk for a
while about what happened in Hong Kong [Match 32] and Elby says that Sue Ellen still has a
problem with commitment-based issues which needs to be resolved. He suggests that she
undergo hypnosis to facilitate the procedure. Once in the suggestive state, Elby gets Sue
Ellen to reveal information about exactly where John Ross can be found in England.
Sly emerges from a private box and Elby demands payment for his work. She tells him that
he'll get his money as long as he signs an affidavit confirming that he was elsewhere, so
that he can't talk to the police about what she's doing. After he signs it, Sly shoots
him. It turns out that the document was actually a paper authorizing Sue Ellen's lockup in
a sanitarium until JR allows her to leave. Sly leads the still-hypnotized Sue Ellen into
her car, takes her away to the loony bin, and then heads off to England to find John Ross.
John Ross is hesitant to come with Sly until she shows him a forged letter from Sue Ellen
indicating that she has decided to move back to Southfork and patch things up with JR so
that they can be a happy family together. The boy is so thrilled at the idea that he gets
ready right away and heads back to Dallas with Sly.
Once back at Southfork, in a proud moment, John Ross is reunited with his father and
grandfather. He wonders where his mother is, and JR says she'll be with them really soon.
Jock takes John Ross out to the stables to go horseback riding, while JR and Sly stay at
the house to talk over some things. Sly tells JR that his plan went perfectly but wonders
why JR didn't want her to kill Sue Ellen while she had the chance. JR says it's just in
case anything went wrong - he plans to go to a judge and get custody of his son, now that
John Ross wants to live at Southfork and Sue Ellen is locked up and unfit to take care of
him. But, he hints, that if Sue Ellen were to meet with an unfortunate accident in the
sanitarium, it wouldn't be anyone's fault. He also mentions that all they need to do is
wait for Jock to pass away [since JR would never do anything to hurt his father], and then
they can be the King and Queen of the Hill together.
As they are about to share a passionate kiss, the front door bursts open...it's Sue Ellen.
All the time she spent previously in sanitariums enabled her to easily pick out this
asylum's weak spots, so she managed to escape. Both JR and Sly are so shocked to see her
that Sue Ellen has plenty of time to grab Sly's purse, whip out her pistol, and shoot both
of them. She heads over to the livingroom, picks up the phone, and dials zero. "I'd
like to report a double murder...this is Sue Ellen Ewing."
Winners: Jock and Sue Ellen.