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The wacky mind of Val
NOTE: Val wishes to point out that a few of these spinoffs are not actually hers. My mistake. If anyone wishes to claim credit, please let me know.
Ray Krebbs: Millionaire Ranch Hand
Cooking With Rye - This weekly show follows "Rye" Krebbs into the kitchen for some quick and easy meal tips. Cancelled over lack of communication. Producers thought it was gonna be a show about cooking with rye seeds. Also, it was discovered that "Rye" really couldn't cook. All he could make were frozen TV dinners. Even then, he forgot to turn the microwave.
My Two Dads--Starring Lucas Wade and Margaret
Krebbs
Weekend Pool Party--Starring Kristin Sheppard,
with guests JR Ewing, Bobby Ewing, Marilee Stone, and anyone else who her ever been pushed
in the SF pool.
Trash With Class--Mandy Winger stars as a college
professor, where nobody fails her class. Note: Due to content and budget cuts,
TWC will only be shown during the late night hours on cable TV.
Everybody Loves Raymond--Especially Lucy.
Cancelled after the first season.
Mother Terayza--A housekeeper strives to raise her
employers' children, while their parents shop, do lunch, go to parties and "conduct
business".
Cliff Dwellings--A show about past and present
domiciles of Barnes Wentworth CEO.
I Am Takapa!!!--Stars Jock Ewing as billionaire
with an identity crisis. He's not sure if he's an oil baron, rancher, or Louisiana resort.
Laurel Ellis Agricultural Hour--Lacked substance,
but was fun to look at. Appealed to rich older men. Cancelled before Fall leaves hit
the ground.
Fashion Roundup with Miss Ellie--Need I say
more???
DUDE!!!!!--After failed efforts in the Big D,
James Beaumont moves to his uncle's home in the midwest, where he lives in his van out by
the garage. James spends his days goofing around with his equally irritating cousins. His
uncle bears an uncanny resemblance to Bobby Ewing. Actually, this one
went on to last 7 years!!!! Who'd have thought?
Ellie-gan's Island - Ellie, Jock, JR, Bobby, Sue
Ellen, Pam and Lucy are stranded on a deserted island for a few years. JR and Bobby
fight for control of the coconut tree while Sue Ellen finds a grape tree, makes wine and
spends most of her time in a drunken stupor wrecking all chances of ever escaping the
island. Featuring Julie Grey as the trouble-making redhead.
Who's the Boss (at Southfork) - Theresa begins
moving in on Bobby and begins raising his kids, affecting his personal life and getting in
with the Ewing clan. (you know, like Tony Danza did!)
Another One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (a made
for TV movie) - Amanda (Jock's first wife) moves to a new sanitarium where she raises some
hell and eventually is given shock therapy.
The Fugitive of Dallas - Punk Anderson is accused
of murdering Mavis. He claims that the real killer was someone with a bad accent
(Angelica? Naldo?). Lieutenant Ratagan and the Braddock Police squad fallow him from
town to town but with his cunning abilities and sharp mind, Punk eludes them every time.
Not in My Family - Jordan Lee shares his home
with his wife Esther, and daughter, Laurie. One day Laurie marries renegade biker
dude, ChickenBrain. They move in with Jordan and Esther, and that's when all havoc
begins. Jordan and ChickenBrain are always fighting about social and political
issues. Also, Jordan worked hard to amass his fortune, while ChickenBrain can't even
keep a job at the drive-thru window. Their fighting just makes Laurie cry, and run
to the kitchen to find Mother. Meanwhile, Jordan is shooing ChickenBrain out of his
favorite chair. Eventually, Laurie and ChickenBrain have a baby and move to a
trailor park in Alabama, leaving Jordan no one to fight with. That's when the show
gets boring and is cancelled shortly thereafter.
Ewings of Braddock - Cousins Jack and Gary Ewing
are just two gool ol' boys who like to have fun driving around in their yellow Barracuda,
'Colonel Mustard'. The Colonel is especially useful in outwitting the evil of Boss
Ross and his back-pocket pal, the Sheriff. Boss' efforts are always being fumbled by
that dopey country bumpkin, the Deputy.
In this duo, Jack is the sensible one with all the smarts, while Gary gets all the girls.
They live on a farm under the guidance of their crusty but lovable Uncle Joe (Jock
and Jason's brother) and beautiful Cousin Mandy. EOB also stars JR Ewing as Boss Ross,
Harry McSween as The Sheriff, and Cliff Barnes as the Deputy. Theme song sung by
Johnny Lee.
Sly Foxxx - After being fired by JR, Sly turns to
a life of porno moviemaking. Her films include "Oil Slick", and a
bondage film called "Dictation". Costars Mandy Winger as The Roommate, and
Casey Denault as The Director. Saturdays at 2am on USA Network.
The Braddock Bunch: JR and new wife Laura (Played
by Florence Henderson) decide it is too crowded for them to live at Southfork. They buy a
townhouse in Braddock and invite John Ross, James and Cally's (And JR's) son to move in
with them. Laura also has three girls, who move in with them as well. (Coincidentally,
their names are Marsha, Cindy and Jan, and they all have blonde hair). Teresa stars as the
lovable maid.
FOR SALE 85 Porsche 911 convertible. Gold in
color. Runs well. Wife's car. I'm selling it because she torched mine.
Contact Bobby Ewing.
CORPSE REMOVAL We remove the dead bodies so you don't have to. Fast and very
discreet. We come to your home* or office. Reasonable rates. Ask about
our frequent customer discount. Contact Uncle Harry. *Pools are extra.
DALLAS WEIGHT LOSS CENTERS Just had a
baby? Well Ladies, come to Dallas Weight Loss, and you will loose 50 pounds in 1
afternoon. Results are GUARANTEED!!! Stop by on your way home from the hospital, and
leave our office in your favorite Size 4 dress. We also have offices in Braddock,
Turtle Creek, LA, and Washington DC.
Condo For Rent in prime Dallas location. This quaint two-story features 2
bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, eat-in kitchen, and fireplace. Comes fully furnished.
Available immediately. Owner in jail. $950/month.
Models Wanted for shampoo commercials and
occcasional catalog work. Aging short and chunky gals need only apply. Contact Roger
Larson.
Shop Clerk Needed to run fashionable ladies boutique. This is a full time position.
Must be able to work days, nights, holidays, and every weekend. Experience
required. $3.25 per hour.
Housekeeper Needed to clean bachelor condo in
Turtle Creek. Must be able to work in MSG-ridden environment, and willing to work
CHEAP!! Girlfriend refuses to clean. Contact Cliff Barnes.
Hiring camp conselors to work with impressionable young children. Experience not
required. Must own a Speedo, and have an eye for rich older women. Contact
Windsor Meadows Day Camp.
For Sale 83 Mercedes 380 SL convertible.
Been in wreck. Needs new paint and body work. Contact Bobby Ewing.
Secretary Wanted to work for lady in her busy bedroom office. Clerical experience is
neither necessary, nor required. Must be discreet. Young, well-built men need only
apply. Contact Holly Harwood.
Character Theme Songs
This is a humorous compilation of song titles associated with Dallas characters. Some have
been suggested by Kyle.
Kristin: "Learnin' to Fly" by Tom Petty
"Fly Like An
Eagle" by The Steve Miller Band
"Gonna Fly
Now" -theme from Rocky
Cliff Barnes: "I'm a Loser" by the Beatles
"Loser"
by Beck
"Lonesome
Loser" by Little River Band
"The
Drugs Don't Work" -The Verve
"I
Don't like the Drugs but the Drugs Like me" -Marilyn Manson
"Dead
End Job" -The Police
Bobby: "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees
Pam: "Dreamin" by Vanessa Williams
"Dreamer" by Supertramp
"Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac
"Dream Weaver" by Gary
Wright
"Dream a Little Dream of
Me" by the Mamas & The Papas
"Life in The Fast Lane"
by The Eagles
"These Dreams" by Heart
"When I Dream" by Crystal
Gale
"I'm on Fire" -Bruce
Springsteen
Lucy: "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" by Joe Jackson
"Mickey" by Toni
Basil
"Rich Girl" by Hall
& Oates
"Hitchin' a Ride"
by Vanity Fare
"It's Raining Men"
by the Weather Girls
"I Don't Want To Grow
Up" by the Ramones
JR: "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?" by Shania Twain
"Your Cheatin' Heart" by Hank Williams
"Bad to the Bone" -George Throgood (sp?)
Sue Ellen: "Tequila Sunrise" by the Eagles
"Margaritaville"
by Jimmy Buffett
"Pour
Me Another Tequila" by Eddie Rabbit
"Red,
Red Wine" by UB40
"I
Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones
Jack Ewing: "Too Hot" by Kool and the Gang
"I'm
Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred
"Gotta
Wear Shades" by Tumbuk3
Dusty Farlow: "Rodeo" by Garth Brooks
"My
Ding-a-Ling" by Chuck Berry
April: "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen
"Only the Lonely"
by the Motels
"One" -U2
Matt Cantrell: "Run Through the Jungle" by CCR
Kit Mainwaring: "I'm Coming Out" by Diana Ross
In
The Navy------>
Macho
Man ------->---> Village People Medley
YMCA
----------->
Tommy McKay: "I Want a New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News
"Cocaine"
by Eric Clapton
Katherine Wentworth: "Evil Woman" by ELO
"Devil
Woman" by Cliff Richard
John Ross and Christopher: "Wild Boys" by Duran Duran
Peter Richards: "Me and Mrs. Jones" by ???
"Hot
Child in the City: by Nick Gilder
Jeremy Wendell: "Smooth Operator" by Sade (for you, m.p.)
Cliff and Afton: "She's Got the Rhythm and I've got the Blues" by
Alan Jackson
Mandy Winger: "Ragdoll" by Aerosmith
Marilee Stone: "In the Mood" by Glenn Miller
"I
Want Your Sex" by George Michael
Casey Denault: Anything by Barry White
Mitch Cooper: "Down in the Boondocks" by Billy Joe Royal
Mickey Trotter and Sue Ellen: Crash Test Dummies (I know this is a band, but I
couldn't resist)
Donna Krebbs: "World Leader Pretend" by REM
Ray Krebbs: "I Wanna Be a Cowboy" by Boys Don't Cry
"Friends
in Low Places" by Garth Brooks
Rebecca Wentworth: "Jet Airliner" by the Steve Miller Band.
"Jetplane"
by Peter, Paul and Mary