The AHN Commentary Page

AHN Jason's "Things I learned by watching Dallas"

1.  You can drive to any place and find a nice parking spot right in front of the building.  If you can't, you can make one up (aka by a hydrant, yellow zone) and not worry about a ticket.

2. You can be in the "fight of your life" every season or so.

3. You can change eye color, voice, height and weight and everyone who reads the script will know it's still the same old you.

4. You can be a half breed, bastard cowboy and all the cool chicks on the show will bed you.

5. To call anyone anywhere, just pick up the phone and dial a random amount of numbers.   The operator can read your thoughts and transfer your call.

6.  Once you have slept with one of Jock's sons, you will sleep with at least one other-especially if you marry one of them. 

7. You can be a high ranking business woman and wear god-awful clothes that most street people wouldn't be caught dead in. 

8.  You can be one of the wealthiest women in Texas and still wear gunny sack dresses to every formal occasion.  (Ms Ellie)

9. Once you have been in the Main Credits, you usually never are seen to die on screen. If you do, you will usually come back due to sagging TV ratings and type casting.

10. You can treat women like dirt and they will always come back if you say that they are the only woman you want.

11. In order to be on the Cartel, you must have the IQ of a turnip and be willing to deal with Ewings who have screwed you over season after season.

12. You can have lots of sex and never worry about STDs. (When is the last time anyone on the show was seen going to a clinic for a shot?)

13.  Time flows at a different rate on Dallas.  Children grow very fast, especially between seasons.

14.  If you are a woman, your hair will change length and color between seasons-even if it supposedly had only been a few minutes since the previous episode. 

15. You can own a multi-billion dollar bussiness, a glorious ranch and lots of expensive cars and never worry about locks or security.  The simply fact that you are a Ewing will scare off thieves-unless it is IN THE SCRIPT.

16.  No matter how often you deceive and cheat your parents and brother, they will always forgive you .

17. No matter what crime you commit, you will never stay in jail long if you are somehow related to a Ewing.

18. You can be the world's worst secretary and still hang on to your job if you are related to the producer of the show.

19.  Annual events such as the Ewing BBQ, Rodeo or Oil Baron's Ball only happen every few season, as script dictates.

20. There are no holidays on Dallas, or at least none celebrated.

21.  Once you marry a Ewing , you will marry and divorce that same person again.  

22. Once you have a baby, you will get your figure back in only one episode.

23.  If you are pregnant with a Ewing's baby, it is most likely that you will have a tragic accident.

24. You can have half of Dallas stay at your ranch and you will always have enough rooms for everyone.

25. Supporting cast members often disappear and no one ever misses them.

26.  If you are JR Ewing, no one, but no one, will tell you that your toupee doesn't match your hairdo in the previous episode.

27.  There will always be a taxi cab waiting for you when you need one.  Just mentally wish it there and it will come.

AHN Matt's commentary on the Dream:

I understand that most of Dallas' fans hate the dream season.  They probably enjoy the love/hate relationship that JR and Bobby have, and they hated to see Bobby go.   The purpose of this commentary is not to say wether Bobby should have been killed off in the first place, because he shouldn't have.  But, the purpose of this is to explain why I believe that Bobby ewing should have stayed dead.  I will also give an alternate explanation to Patrick Duffy's return, which does not include a dream.

To begin, I will start with when Bobby dies, in the Swan Song episode.  This is arguably one of Dallas' best episodes, for many reasons.  First, Lucy leaves the show as she is re-marrying Mitch and moving to Atlanta.  Good.  It got rid of some dead weight.  The Lucy character has annoyed us for years, and it was great to see her go.  Secondly, we see Bobby and Pam profess their true love for each other.   We the fans knew all along that they belonged together, but it was nice to have Bobby in love with Pam when he dies.  It was also nice to get Katherine Wentworth out of the picture.  She was a raving lunatic, who
had her purpose, but it was good to move on and get rid of her.  But, the main reason why this was a great episode was because of the final scene.  If anybody was not touched by this, then they should stop watching the show altogether.  Even on his deathbed, Bobby was a very classy guy.  He said to Pam and to Jenna that he regretted not marrying her sooner.  Each woman thought he was talking to her, so that he wouldn't hurt their feelings.  Even Donna Reed put in a touching performance as a mother saying goodbye to her youngest son.  Ray and Donna were obviously touched, and we could see this when Macho Man Ray cryed harder than anyone.  even cold-hearted JR let his feeling be known, as if we never knew before, but he proved that he truly loved Bobby.

Then the next season started, and I truly enjoy the Dream Season, and I think it is the best season overall, because of the character development.   Sue Ellen gave up drinking, and it was realistic.  Now, Sue Ellen doesn't drink because she hates JR. She went through a long, growing process, in which she came to terms with her relationships with her mother and Dusty Farlow.  Sue Ellen is now realistically sober, because of joining AA.  She also got a career, which was much more realistic than running a lingerie company.  Being the chief fundraiser at Graison Research gave her something productive to do.  She earned the respect of her family and friends, especially JR.

Ray and Donna Krebbs finally had something to do on the show.  Through Donna's pregnancy, we got some of the best acting performances from Steve Kanaly and especially Susan Howard.  They grew and changed personally, but their love for each other grew stronger.  Their work with the mentally challenged children fit their personalities and actually had something for Ray
to do besides sling cow-slop with Clayton. Jenna was her dreadfully boring self, but at least we got to see Charlie in
that red dress.  Yummy.

Mark Graison coming back to life was a joke, but he provided a strong male character for Pam to lean on.  This was necessary with Bobby gone.  Pam's work at Ewing Oil seemed stupid at first, but she actually ended up earning JR's respect.  We won't even go into the awful emerald Mine storyline. It was nice to see Cliff Barnes truly appreciate Jamie, the first time he has appreciated a woman, truthfully, since the beginning of the show.  And, so we come to JR.  The changes he wenth through on the show were numerous.  He truly enjoyed an honest relationship with Sue Ellen.   The scenes where they are back together, and where they have an actual loving relationship were great.  He also gained respect for Pam, because she was no longer a threat.  He also gained respect for Jamie.  The Marinos Shipping storyline started out slow, but when all the action started to go down, it was great.  Those scenes in Martinique were great.  And, as usual, the last third of the season was eventful and exciting, mainly because all of the storylines were coming to the forefront.  

The cliffhanger was one of the show's best.  Some of the guest characters had their fitting goodbye (Mandy Winger, Jack and Jamie Ewing, and Mark Graison). It made sense to kill Jamie, because Cliff finally learned to appreciate her, this fit with his loser image.  Jack was leaving, but at least the door was open for the Bigh Ramboski to return.  JR finally dumped Mandy, and it was great.  Pam also found Mark dead in her shower, which was good, too (Cliff and Pam only having each other).  When Angelica set the bomb off in Ewing Oil, and Sue Ellen was there we would have wondered what the show would be like if she
died.  She was just supposed to get blindness, but the guilt that JR would have felt, could have been great. 

But, Patrick Duffy couldn't find a job, so he came back to Dallas.  Fine, I have no problem with Bobby Ewing, and I think that it would have been nice for him to come back, but not at the expense of the whole season.  One of the reasons why Dallas was so popular in the first place was its class and credibility.  having that whole season being a dream severly killed Dallas' credibility.  First of all, the show was losing its grip.  to stay a popular show, it needed the characters to change.   we see this in the later years, when the show's characters are so formulaic that it was laughable.  It was the same old Bobby vs. JR.  JR vs. Cliff.  JR vs. Pam.  JR trading barbs with Sue Ellen.  We had seen this for years.  we are the diehard fans, we will still watch the last couple of years when the show was awful.   But, Dallas would have stayed a more enjoyable show, and more popular, if all of the dream season's plots would have remained intact.  I think that Bobby should have been brought back in the first place, but not at the expense of all that had happened.  

In later years, because of the failing ratings, people left.  Victoria Principal, Susan Howard, Lind Gray and Barbara Bel Geddes all left, and there was no strong, female lead to replace them.  Steve Kanaly left, and there was no blue collar "real people" as opposed to the excessively rich Ewings. Dallas could have remained popular, with characters that changed, something
that happened in Pam's dream.  When Bobby came back, the characters stayed the same, and though the show still had some enjoyable storylines and seasons, it was never its great self. 

If Patrick Duffy had to come back, there could have been other reasons to explain it.   I'm not talking about evil twins, or plastic surgery, but something else. I think that I came up with a pretty good reason.  It is cheesy and stupid, but to bring Bobby back, there is no smart way to go.

I think that Katherine could have staged the whole thing.  She could've paid off emergency officials and had body doubles replace her and Bobby.  This makes little sense, but we are trying to resurrect people here.  Anyway, she could've taken Bobby, and had him caged up somewhere with her.  When he finally heard of Pam's marriage to Mark, he would have been so enraged he tore Katherine apart.  Then, he could've gone back to Dallas, and gone back to normal.  I don't like it, but I think it is better than the "It was all a dream" excuse.

AHN Anne's commentary on the blahness of the 86-87 season:

J.R.: the wicked oldest son, J.R. once captured our attention for his  occasional soft spots, like how serene he was when Jock died. We hate J.R., but know there's something else there besides the complete jerk.  That's why this season has been a particular disappointment. He's just awful and there's nothing to make us feel sorry for him in the least.Larry Hagman seems to have fallen into a caricature instead of recreating J.R. as he goes and as a result, J.R.'s no fun anymore, just mean.

Bobby: talk about annoying! Patrick Duffy left because he felt Bobby was  becoming a goody-goody. Well, there's nothing wrong with that as long as he doesn't vacillate on every point. "Pam, I don't have the answers." Well, you better get some answers because this whole storyline about the new baby is sickening. And when he's not whining about his unborn child,
he's playing stupid about some other point. I can't take it anymore! Bobby's fallen into a slump. He only has one plot and that wore thin a week ago. I think Bobby needs a reconstruction job. Duffy, too, is falling with the character. He needs to give him some new dimensions instead of falling back to the past and replaying those years.On second thought, maybe I should take this message in smaller sections.

Miss Ellie: lost spirit this season and lacks the strength we all knew and loved her for in the past. Barbara Bel Geddes was really at her peak during the second season, before she got sick of the show.

Sue Ellen: abnormally bitchy these days. She's lost any sense of identity. The character was awesome during the third season just as she was coming into her own. However, I think Linda Gray does great work with whatever she's given. She's as good now as she ever was.

Pam: goody-goody beyond belief. Her character has no spark anymore and neither does Victoria Principal.

Ray: complete jerk. I hate him with a passion and Steve Kanaly was never one of my favorite actors, so none of this comes as a shock or tremendous disappointment.

Jenna: first-class witch. You're right when you say and she and Ray deserve each other. Jenna is the most unnecessary character around and I really hate her guts. As with Kanaly, I never liked Presley so I'm not devastated by this. But I am a little bit more upset than I would have been with Ray because Priscilla Presley was never a good actress; Kanaly has his moments.

Donna: I like her new boyfriend, but she's become another nothing character. Donna was great during the fourth season when she was a fresh face on the show and not quite so predictable.

Cliff: whiny as usual and no surprises from Ken Kercheval.

AHN Joe's sparkling commentary:

THE HIGH SCHOOL FACTOR IN DALLAS
                           or:
What Christopher From Dallas And Kyle From South Park Have In Common
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All right, I'll be the first to admit that I am a big Cliff fan.  Cliff is my favorite character next to J.R. and Jock, and I'm glad that Ahmer chose to pay homage to Cliff in his I Think this week.  However, I  usually find myself in the position where I stop rooting for Cliff when it directly interferes with Ewing Oil interests.

Usually.  As in, "Not today."

Right now, I find myself wanting Cliff to hold on to 10% of Ewing Oil, and a lot of the reason behind this has to do with spite.  This spite is directed at the one person on Dallas who despite supposedly being a sweet young thing, has pissed almost every Dallas fan off at one point or another for being an annoying bitch.  No, I don't mean Jenna or Mandy.  This time, it's Pam.  Let's look at her recent track record...

PAM:  "J.R., you may think you can buy everyone else off with your Ewing money, but you can't buy off me!"

...then...

PAM:  "Jenna, I want to buy your baby."

...and now...

PAM:  "Cliff, I want to buy your shares of Ewing Oil."

First of all, this woman is so goddamn hypocritical, it's no wonder she used to go with that half-breed Ray.  Now, I'm sensing some deja vu.  First, she wants to buy Jenna's baby, now Cliff's stake in Ewing Oil.  Let's all step back for a moment.   This is Cliff's dream come true, and this time, he's not going to wake up at the end of the season and find Jenilee Harrison in his shower.  It amazes me that Pam honestly believes she can buy off her brother's dream.  Not only is she being stupid, but
she's greedy.  Maybe Cliff will someday have some heirs of his own he'd like to pass his shares of Ewing Oil down to.

Of course, Pam's all upset because "it's going to destroy us."  Whoa, hold on!!!  Reality check:  In the worst case scenario, Cliff's stake in Ewing Oil will be held up in court.  Then what?  Will Cliff somehow ruin the company and plow Ewing Oil right into the ground???  He only owns ten percent!  I mean, what the Hell is the guy going to do?!?  Take a
dump in Ewing 23??? My point is, even though I realize that Cliff is hurting the Ewing brother's pride in a symbolic manner, that's the only effect.  Pam hasn't a goddamn thing to do with it!

However, I suppose, on reflection, that that was the Pammy thing to do, and I shouldn't have expected any better from Pam, but what really pissed me off was when Bobby came to Cliff's office and physically threatened him because Pam was being a whiny bitch.   Aw, is Pammy crying???  Then get your big tough husband to beat the crap out of the guy who hurt your feelings.  Bobby reminded me of a big dumb jock who once threatened to beat me up me because I indirectly insulted his slut cheerleader girlfriend.   Hey, Bob, if you're upset because Cliff's gonna take some of your daddy's company, that's fine -- but don't fight your bitch-ass wife's asinine battles for her.  And what makes it worse is that Bobby would never pull this kind of crap with anyone else for any other reason.  He didn't say a word when Jenna refused to let him see his child by her, nor when she made his darling Pammy cry because Jenna wouldn't sell her the baby.   Bob never really did anything about Jeremy Wendell's threat to destroy Ewing Oil.   Hell, he didn't even do anything to Katherine, and she SHOT HIM!!!

The worst part (no, I haven't gotten to it yet) is the guilt trip that Pam is trying to lay on her brother about Jamie's death.  First of all, Cliff has shown genuine concern for Jamie's accident.  Secondly, if I were in Cliff's place, I'd be acting the same way, and I can't think of any mentally sound person who would act otherwise.   He's not happy Jamie died after all, but that he gets his life's dream.  I can hardly expect the guy to wear black and wake up crying every day.

At this point, I will end my Rant, before I go off on another tangent and become pissed at the world.  Before I do, though, I want to reiterate my point from my last Rant -- that Jim Davis should be reanimated on camera using computers so they can make Jock come back from the grave and beat the crap out of his sons whenever they get involved romantically with someone annoying.  Come on, Jock.  Put that Barnes woman in her place!

"If a woman ever gave me any crap, I'd be like, 'Hey!  You go do my laundry!'" - Eric Cartman

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